Bill Gates for President

Donald Trump officially won the Republican presidential nomination earlier today.  Only a few months ago I laughed when he announced his candidacy.  In my mind – for obvious reasons - I was certain the head master of clown school would be in and out of the campaign faster than a high school boy in a Mexican whorehouse.  There simply was no way the American Republican delegates would elect Bozo. 

Today I stand corrected.  I was dead wrong and i'm also no longer laughing.  In fact I'm closer to tears today knowing the the shoddy deal master could one day be king.  Hell..  I'm not even American and I suspect I'm not the only one up here in Canada who is in complete disbelief tonight.

I got together with my buddy last week for a couple of drinks. Not unlike other conversations taking place in bars across the world, our chat that night  soon got unto the topic of the American Presidential elections.  Everyone has an opinion about it lately including these Canadian idiots.

It's fun to be a loud mouth sometimes and have an opinion - as misplaced as it may be.   

In the span of an hour, We  determined the main problem taking place in American politics today and a sure proof way to fix it all.  Alcohol has a magical way of giving mere mortals like ourselves the super powers needed to come up with big ideas.  I'm sure we aren't the only ones who have discussed this big idea, but we like to think we are.

Here it is.  If you really think about it the solution is pretty simple:

America... Elect Bill Gates for president.

I know what you’re thinking, especially if you’re American.  Glenn, why are you thinking / talking about this?

I'm doing so as a concerned Canadian and friendly neighbor.  62% of Canadian goods and resources are exported to the United States.  When America farts we breathe the Freetos filled  flatulence it expels deep into our lungs.  At this moment in time our friends south of the Canadian border are farting a lot lately and the stench is becoming unbearable.

To put together a solution of any kind you must first determine what the root of any problem happens to be.  And what’s America’s biggest problem? With the help of some Canadian alcohol we figured it all out.  The American election process itself.  It lasts way too long.  It costs way too much money and it leaves elected US officials (including the president of the United States who requires the most election campaign money of all)  desperate to always be raising greenbacks for the next election cycle to stay in power. 

In 2016, American Congressmen spend about a day each week on the phone (I say that figuratively) trying to raise campaign funds.  That’s one full day every single week of the year while at work getting paid by the American tax payer.  I’m pretty sure that day would be better spent fixing some real problems; Crazy concepts like education or the economy or the environment or gun control problems or...... the list is endless.

The US economic collapse of 2007 wasn’t by accident. Government banking deregulation after years of lobbying efforts (ahem – corporate donations) gave the banks the ability to start making very questionable and unethical investment decisions.  These investments left the banks and United States as a whole extremely vulnerable.  Who can forget the insane US  bank bailouts of 2008?

The drug industry (Big Pharma) currently has over 1,400 lobbyists running around Washington DC buying up favors from the 500+ Congressmen and women in power.  That's only one industry.  Politicians don't have a chance and neither does the American public.  

Corporate influence has won the game.

Unless a complete transformation of the election process happens soon the on going deregulation of American industry  is no longer in the best interest of the American public.  It’s pretty clear that a transformation is  highly unlikely any time soon.  The time is now for change. The Unites States requires a president (and elected officials) who aren't susceptible to corporations who lobby and pay for favors via campaign donations.  It's enough.

There's  a reason why fringe candidates like Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump are experiencing a huge surge in popularity this election campaign.  The citizens of the United States are fed up with the current long line of corporate CEO Presidents they’ve had since Ronald Reagan was elected and want a change.  Unfortunately the anger over the current state of political affairs has given rise to a freak like Donald Trump.  The term freak doesn’t give the man justice.  What he is selling is fear.  Susceptible people buy fear by the boatloads.  

Yes on paper Bernie Sanders sounds like a great guy.  Spending like a mad man when your wallet full of credit cards and line of credit are all maxed out isn't in the best interest of the people either.  Harvard economists seem to think the US debt of 100 zillion quadrillion bazillion can't handle any more spending.   I'll take their word for it. 

After a lot of discussion my buddy and I  agreed that any new elected president should be a self-made man who is free of corporate influence.  As we peered through multiple lists of American CEOs and Billionaires one name came back over and over.  Bill Gates.

Yes. That Bill Gates you are thinking of.  The man who brought you the start button and endless operating system updates.  We didn't say Bill was perfect.  The fact however he was able to fix the blue screen of death should make him a front runner in any political endeavor he takes on.

We had another drink and came up with the top 10 reasons (in no specific order) Bill Gates would make the ideal president of the United States.  

  1. Proven leader
  2. Able to finance his own election campaign (free of corporate influence)
  3. Self-Made Man
  4. Intelligent
  5. Charismatic
  6. Free of Moral Pitfalls (that we are aware of)
  7. Humanitarian with a worldly vision
  8. Extensive experience dealing and negotiating with world leaders and politicians
  9. Forward thinker / innovator
  10. Not a religious zealot

We realize he lacks the years of political experience and insider knowledge most politicians build over years of being in power.  The kind of connections that are required to get bills passed and the US government clicking.  Somehow we feel / hope that lack of experience may actually work to his advantage.  He would bring new ideas to a system that is clearly broken rather than simply work within it.  The advancements from MS-Dos all the way to Windows XP are living proof he can make positive changes happen.  

No Mac comments please.  Steve Jobs is no longer with us and Ashton Kutcher acting in his role ain't gonna cut it.

As an experiment I ran a couple of quick polls on my @humplik Twitter feed this week to validate our Bill Gates for President idea.  To be quite honest I wasn't surprised at all by the voting results.

In the first poll my question was ‘ If the US presidential election was between Hillary Clinton and Bill Gates who would you vote for?’.  The results were impressive for Billy Boy.  He garnered 80% of the vote to Hillary’s 20%.  

In the second poll my question was ‘ If the US presidential election was between Donald Trump and Bill Gates who would you vote for?’.  The results were even more  impressive for the Operating system overlord.  He garnered 91% of the vote to Trump’s 9%.  As I read the results I regained some of the hope I've lost in humans lately.

If everything goes according to plan the United States will elect yet another corporate CEO this November.  Like her recent successors these past 30 years  she will be  controlled by an endless supply of corporate members of the board.  Corporate control of the United States will continue as its roots continue to dig deeper into the land of the ‘free’.

In a democratic world there is always hope the wrongs can be rectified.  I may be delusional but I like to think there is still enough hope out there that hasn't been bought up to the highest corporate bidder.  

So here's hoping things turn around for my friends down south.  In four years from now the people of the United States will have another chance to turn around their current corporate run  ship.  The time to get that ball rolling is now.

We realize Bill Gates has publicly come out and said he has no desire to run for president.  Mostly because he feels he can accomplish more with his foundation that he could as president. Unfortunately that's likely the truth.  But, If we all collectively start begging him via Skype (now a Microsoft product) he may be forced to reconsider his position. 

In 2020, we say Bill Gates for president.  

As for us it's time to round up our bartender for another round of drinks.  We have way more shit to fix.

 

 

Wise Idiots 2.0

These two soulless assholes have hijacked the podcast Phil Giroux and I have been hosting for the past year.  You can listen to the deconstruction of our work on wiseidiots.com. 

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The Balder

That moment when your inbox presents itself with an unexpected email from a friend situated above you at a show.   An email that clearly outlines the top of my balding head.  

Seriously, where did my hair go? 

Taking in the Napalm Death / Melvins / Melt Banana show at Club Soda in Montreal. 

Taking in the Napalm Death / Melvins / Melt Banana show at Club Soda in Montreal. 

The Middle Finger Salute

The following story is a transcript from a recent Humplik Happy Hour Podcast that you can listen to here

It was 27 degrees Celsius here in Ottawa yesterday.  The first time since last September it got this warm.  After a long winter of hibernating and being covered in bear skins and a thick layer of depression Canadians were finally outside trying to turn around their severe vitamin D deficiencies.

Have no fear animal activists. The bear skins are synthetic and come from China.  Canadians have a problem with killing animals for their furs.  Human slavery in China is not a problem.  Capitalism is funny like that.

After a long day of work I went to pick up my daughter at the after school program she's at.  We jumped in my car and set off for home as we usually do.  It was great to have the windows open again after 6 months of begging my car heater to work faster.

For some unknown reason there was more traffic than usual yesterday and an unusual amount of people cutting in and out of lanes in the downtown area where we were.  I drove to an intersection and got behind two cars.  With my windows open I noticed that the respected drivers of the two cars were screaming at each other.  I'm not quite sure why but I suspect one guy tried to cut in and the other didn't let him.

I'm always fascinated at how angry drivers can get at each other for really stupid stuff.  With everyone at a complete stop I could tell by the language and tone that the argument was becoming more heated.  Then the driver on the right stuck his arm out and gave the other guy the finger.

I consider giving the finger a 5/10 in the driver anger world.  A honk would be a 3, while the progression towards 10 would include various forms of physical violence like punching or eye gouging.  A 10 on 10 would be a road side shooting and murder.  The kind of thing that happens in Los Angeles or Chicago but not here in Ottawa.

Here in Ottawa giving the finger is a roadside nuclear bomb.

Like a lot of things in life. Sometimes an external event can trigger our curiosity on a subject we don't know much about.  This event I had just witnessed triggered the making of the blog post you are reading righ now.

The question I asked myself was this: when exactly did giving the finger to someone become a sign language standard for telling someone to go fuck themselves and how is it we all know exactly what it means?  It's not like we sat through a class in grade two or three where we were taught this.

I went back in my own memory bank to when I was ten years old and remembered the classic scene from the Clint Eastwood movie 'Every which way but loose' where an orangutan gives the villain in the movie the finger. 

But wait a minute.  Giving the finger in anger had to start somewhere.  Where did it?  In a movie? A sports tradition?  Some celebrity somewhere started a new trend in the fifties or sixties?

Not exactly...

The gesture's power to insult and inflame has been around for a long time.  Anthropologists refer to it as one of the most ancient insult gestures known.

The Greeks used the middle finger as an explicit reference to the male unit. In 419BC, the playwright Aristophanes had a character gesture with his middle finger and then with his crotch in one of his plays.

Move forward in time a few hundred years, The Roman historian Tacitus wrote that German tribesmen gave the middle finger to advancing Roman soldiers.  The Romans had their own name for it: digitus impudicus which translates in English to the shameless, indecent finger.

As time moved forward so did the spread of the gesture's use.

AS you've probably all seen in film.  The British also have their own variation. The two finger salute.  According to legend it was first displayed at the battle of Agincourt in 1415.  The English soldiers who wave their fingers at French soldiers who had threatened to cut off the first two fingers to prevent them from shooting arrows. Basically the English were boasting they were still capable of doing so.

The French have their own phallic salute which I had the pleasure of enjoying in action while on vacation in Paris a few years back.  They refer to it as the arm of honor where the person raises the forearm with the back of the hand facing outward, while slapping or gripping the inside of the elbow with the other hand.

Here in North America, The middle finger salute probably arrived in the US with Italian immigrants.  A historical use of it is documented as early as 1886, when a pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters gave it in a joint team photograph with the rival New York Giants.  The Beaneaters may not be around anymore but that tradition is still alive and well today between the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees fans.

Humans aren't the only ones getting in on the insult bandwagon. Male squirrel monkeys in South America are known to gesture with their erect penises.  Let's hope that insult doesn't carry over to humans.  It would take the Red Sox / Yankees rivalry to a whole new disturbing level.

So the next time you’re driving down the highway and some idiot cuts you off, give them a nice up yours with pride knowing in the back of your mind you have now joined the long history of middle fingered warriors before you.

Hopefully you don’t get shot in the face in the process. 

Clint Eastwood's buddy. 

Clint Eastwood's buddy. 

Humplik 5-0

Hey everyone..  Big 5-0 this year.  I honestly don't feel a day over 49 so it's all good.

We spent the evening in Montreal last night.  Had an amazing meal at Onoir (translation in English is 'in the dark'), a restaurant in which you are escorted by hand into a pitch dark room (no light whatsoever) and served by a staff that is either visually impaired or legally blind.  It was a unique dining experience I'll never forget.

Although I didn't get to see what I ate the food tasted great. Apologies going out to the couple sitting next to us who were on the receiving end of a full glass of water I accidentally spilled.  Fortunately for me (unless they are reading this today)  they'll never know who did it.  It was a small glimpse into a world I know nothing about.

As for entering a new decade in my life...  Bring it on.  I have fun new experiences like my first colonoscopy to look forward to. I'm always open to fun  new experiences.

Five times ten equals 50... Hopefully I still know the math when I have to lift 6 fingers up. 

Five times ten equals 50... Hopefully I still know the math when I have to lift 6 fingers up. 

Life

The trajectory of life simplified in one chart. 

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Free Food

Our food supply for the next few months is starting to arrive in our backyard.  It looks like it'll be a good summer. 

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The No Man

I tend to be a yes type myself.   Makes decisions easier at the supermarket. 

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